by Jon Swift
With so much attention focused on illegal immigrants from the south there has been scant notice of a far more insidious infiltration from our porous border in the north. No one knows how many illegal immigrants from Canada currently reside in the United States. And it is extremely difficult to find out since Canadians, unlike Mexicans, look and speak just like normal Americans. The fact that they are able to blend in so easily makes them, in my mind, even more threatening to our way of life than immigrants from other countries. Some of you might not even realize that Canada is an entirely separate country. Some of your neighbors and co-workers may be Canadian and you might have no idea. Aside from overuse of the word "eh?" and excessive drinking of Molson, many Canadians (at least the English-speaking ones) seem just like us on the outside. Many people don't realize that Canadians have already infiltrated places of power in our country. Ultra-liberal anchorman Peter Jennings was Canadian. Saturday Night Live producer Lorne Michaels is Canadian. The director of the biggest-grossing movie of all time, Titanic, James Cameron, is Canadian. Jeopardy host Alex Trebek is Canadian. Most shocking of all, Pamela Anderson is also Canadian.
The effect of Canadians on our economy is devastating. Unlike Mexicans, Canadians take jobs from Americans that Americans actually want. Another way Canadians are destabilizing our economy is by replacing our money with theirs. How many times have you gotten change in a store only to realize when you get home that you were given a practically worthless Canadian penny or dime?
Canadians might seem harmless but many of them hold dangerously liberal ideas. Canada, after all, is a country that has gay marriage and socialized medicine. They have decriminalized marijuana and made hate speech illegal. Most Canadians oppose the Iraq War and Canada welcomed draft dodgers during the Vietnam War. It is no accident that many of the blue states border Canada, which is a clear illustration of how their dangerous ideas have seeped into our own country. There was even some traitorous talk after the 2004 election in Blue States of seceding and joining Canada, an idea that was no doubt encouraged by the Canadians in our midst. And it is not only Canadians who sneak into our country and weaken our will. Many terrorists come to the United States through Canada, which has notriously weak immigration laws. They might not care who comes into their country but we do.
I don't know what can be done about this problem. Our border with Canada is very long but I think that is all the more reason that we get started on building an electrified fence along the border as soon as possible. Identifying Canadians who are already here is trickier. You can't identify them the way Germans in World War II were identified by asking them about baseball since Canadians have baseball, too. Perhaps the Defense Department could work on a series of tests that would identify likely Canadians. Americans should be aware of some of the tell-tale signs of Canadians such as the strange way they spell certain words ("defence" instead of "defense," for example). Perhaps the faces and names of Canadians could be posted on Internet sites the way sex offenders are so that people will know if there are Canadians in their neighborhood and keep an eye on them. So far, no one has come up with a good solution to the problem--and it may already be too late.